Rummaging through the rubbish bins of one of the largest banks in the world, The Banker found the following letters.
From: the Office of the Chairman and Chief ExecutiveTo: Ms Playdo, Headmistress of Rollinit Nursery
Dear Ms Playdo,Thanks for your letter. Unfortunately, Towngroup is no longer interested in hearing about your expansion plans. Plans to expand by taking over the Guggenheim Museum, let alone the Met, are a bit ambitious. Let me give you a word of advice: those days are over. Gone. Finito.As for any investments you may have, I am of course deeply sympathetic. But Towngroup can do nothing about it. I admit that GoToNowhere and WorldCopOut were unfortunate choices. Why don’t you just sell? It is our new word here. We now use it a lot. This would also help our brokers who are not that busy.Yours sincerely,Sandpit WelloffPS. I have no idea how to contact Jack Worman. Who he?
From: the Office of the Chairman and Chief ExecutiveTo: Head of ResearchCc: Eliot Spitzer, New York State Attorney General
Dear Ms X,
Thank you for your memo. So Spitzer says I can’t talk to you, or any of your underlings. I know that. Don’t try to teach your grandmother to suck eggs. And yes, he is being copied on this memo, as per the agreement. However, refusing to reveal your name is going too far. And wearing that Halloween mask whenever you leave your office is taking the incognito business to extremes. In any case, dress-down is out.Yours sincerely,Sandpit Welloff
From: the Office of the Chairman and Chief ExecutiveTo: Richard Grasso, Chief Executive Officer, New York Stock Exchange
Dear Dick,Yes, I agree, it is a kooky overreaction. Who better than me to sit on the Board of the NYSE? Let this blow over and let’s revisit it in a year.Yours with a penitent demeanour,Sandpit
From: the Office of the Chairman and Chief Executiveíbr>To: one of my many Deputies
Deal with that man from Calpol. Just because he works for the biggest institutional investor in the world doesn’t mean I will be bullied. And I am not sure that I am allowed to talk to him: in fact, I am not sure if I am allowed to talk to anyone.(NB. Carol. Before you type this out see if Spitzer has to be copied on this. And could you stop slipping papers under the office door? As long as you don’t talk to me when you hand things over, we won’t be contravening any rules. I think. Actually, on second thoughts, stick to your original method. But it is getting very lonely here in my corner office.)Yours, Sandpit
